Recently i have been trying to understand why i feel the way i feel sometimes. Though not every time.
These days i happen to stay aloof and struggle really hard to maintain new friendships. Even old friendships happen to be fading because of this problem. Right now, I'm not sure if the people around me are friends or just acquaintances. I don't know if this is a phase of growing up or an evolving symptom of social anxiety.
Depression is the norm. Everyone and everything in Nigeria have experienced some form of depression at some point, even rats and lizards. But I'm not writing to buttress on that. I'm actually trying to understand why sometimes there is this emptiness we tend to feel, like a hollow, unable to feel joy, not sad either, cry-laughing, laugh-crying.
When I have face-to-face conversations with new people, I tend to be mostly shy to a point where i may be nodding at your words and laughing to your jokes and not really hearing anything. Hugs mean more to me than words these days, but I’m afraid to hold on for long, I abhor any sign of weakness on my part. I detest what I could become in your eyes as a result. Past experiences taught me the hard way.
The first time i met a celebrity friend here on Facebook (name withheld). I wasn't so enthusiastic as i would expect. She didn't recognize me either until i hinted her by a comment i made in one of her posts. Over time, i am becoming too shy but so eager to call her. I dunno if its because i am too scared to open up to her. To let her see my flaws. She is a wonderful person, a prolific writer, a lawyer with many followers here but i prefer to admire her from afar. I feel coming too close might ruin the beauty of what we share. But don't take my word for it. I think i yeeeeaarrrn to know you more but my introversive tendencies won't let me.
The other i met at a poetry festival (My first time to attend such an event) and I still wonder how i fell out of tune with her for six years. Yes, Its been six years before our last accidental meeting and i was really happy to see her. She gave me a really warm hug. I've never had that kind of hug from anyone lately and i could literally just melt in her arms but at the same time, i didn't want to let out much. I was just smiling all through my brief moments with her. I admire her with all the zest i can feel but yet, i tend to stay aloof.
Sometimes I am calling people more these days, reaching out to new people to have deep conversations but the more i try, the more i get bored and stay distant from them. Not that they are not interesting friends, maybe its just the vibes set out at first. I really don’t know what it is.
Other times i could be very spontaneous and go to lengths that defy reasoning to see someone.
Sometimes i decide to call those close to me and i end up totally forgetting i had ever thought about it.
These days i really want to be alone and stay alone.
But at the same time want to be disturbed in the most intimate way possible.
Am at a crossroad of different paths and I'm lost in the middle, not knowing which path to follow.
These days i happen to stay aloof and struggle really hard to maintain new friendships. Even old friendships happen to be fading because of this problem. Right now, I'm not sure if the people around me are friends or just acquaintances. I don't know if this is a phase of growing up or an evolving symptom of social anxiety.
Depression is the norm. Everyone and everything in Nigeria have experienced some form of depression at some point, even rats and lizards. But I'm not writing to buttress on that. I'm actually trying to understand why sometimes there is this emptiness we tend to feel, like a hollow, unable to feel joy, not sad either, cry-laughing, laugh-crying.
When I have face-to-face conversations with new people, I tend to be mostly shy to a point where i may be nodding at your words and laughing to your jokes and not really hearing anything. Hugs mean more to me than words these days, but I’m afraid to hold on for long, I abhor any sign of weakness on my part. I detest what I could become in your eyes as a result. Past experiences taught me the hard way.
The first time i met a celebrity friend here on Facebook (name withheld). I wasn't so enthusiastic as i would expect. She didn't recognize me either until i hinted her by a comment i made in one of her posts. Over time, i am becoming too shy but so eager to call her. I dunno if its because i am too scared to open up to her. To let her see my flaws. She is a wonderful person, a prolific writer, a lawyer with many followers here but i prefer to admire her from afar. I feel coming too close might ruin the beauty of what we share. But don't take my word for it. I think i yeeeeaarrrn to know you more but my introversive tendencies won't let me.
The other i met at a poetry festival (My first time to attend such an event) and I still wonder how i fell out of tune with her for six years. Yes, Its been six years before our last accidental meeting and i was really happy to see her. She gave me a really warm hug. I've never had that kind of hug from anyone lately and i could literally just melt in her arms but at the same time, i didn't want to let out much. I was just smiling all through my brief moments with her. I admire her with all the zest i can feel but yet, i tend to stay aloof.
Sometimes I am calling people more these days, reaching out to new people to have deep conversations but the more i try, the more i get bored and stay distant from them. Not that they are not interesting friends, maybe its just the vibes set out at first. I really don’t know what it is.
Other times i could be very spontaneous and go to lengths that defy reasoning to see someone.
Sometimes i decide to call those close to me and i end up totally forgetting i had ever thought about it.
These days i really want to be alone and stay alone.
But at the same time want to be disturbed in the most intimate way possible.
Am at a crossroad of different paths and I'm lost in the middle, not knowing which path to follow.
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